What I don’t want to hear, or feel, is that life is not tidy. It is painful now. And not witty, or funny, or even positive. I really believe that life feeds us lessons, in joy or pain, that are good. I am simply not at the point now where I can see the lesson.
My dad is dying. Really. He has cancer, and he is dying.
I am past the panic stage. I am in the acceptance stage. All the way until I talk with him. He took a bad turn this week, and I talked with him today. I could hear the pain in his voice, and the grogginess as the pain medicine battles to take that pain from him. Oh how it hurt to hear!
This man is a good man. A strong man. And today… well today, I am sad. His pain is undeserved and I am sad. No. I am ANGRY! I am not a “Why does this have to happen” kind of girl, but this is a close reason to go down that road. “Bad things happen to good people”… Blah Blah Blah. I hate this. I am not ready to be rational, or see how this affects me, or the family, or him, for the good.
Yes, this brings me closer to my dad. I mean, I talk with him more now than I ever did before. Yes, it brings me closer to the family, and we have communication and compassion and caring in an open way. Yes, it lets me have faith that there is something more in the universe. I firmly believe that I will see him again in another place and time. I just do. And yes, this gives me the opportunity to be gentle and kind with him. And genuine. Lets not forget genuine. There just doesn’t seem to be time to be sarcastic and witty anymore.
So there. There is the good news. Now lets just put that aside, because I have tears streaming down my face, and gulping great gobs of air. I just don’t care about all the good stuff. My dad is dying, and I can’t fix it, I can’t stop it, and I can’t do anything about his pain.
I live 8 hours away from him. Yes, there is family there for him, but not me. Ya know? I have this need to be there and watch over him, and care for him. My heart is just aching to help. Yes, I have been out there twice since we found out that it’s spreading, and the chemo isn’t helping. Yes, I’m going out there in November, but it’s just not quick enough.
I have had people say “he’s strong. He will beat this”, and I want to punch them. Well not actually, but emotionally. No, he can’t. The tumors are inoperable, he’s 73, has had cancer 2 times before, and doesn’t want radiation. STOP BEING SO POSITIVE ABOUT THIS! Our family has worked to get past the bouncy, brave face. How bout comfort instead? How bout holding his hand and just being quiet?
OHHHHH. I hurt. That is all. Later is when I will be hopeful and calm and easier about this. But not today. Today is a day to cry. Today is a day that is ok to feel sad. And so I do.
Life Is Not Tidy. And that sucks.