Friday, September 6, 2013
I’m a nerd. I am admitting it publicly. Because if I don’t, I will keep on hiding the nerdiness to myself. I say, “to myself”, because everyone knows my nerdiness anyway. Everyone knows everyone elses nerdiness, by the way. I can tell when someone else is trying to hide something. It is in the way they walk, or talk, or cover up, or let go. It happens all the time.
Here is my nerdiness. I say it so I don’t hold it in and grab some something hardcore to drink.
I am overweight. Everyone knows it. They don’t hold any energy about it. They don’t care about it. But they know. Honestly. Most people don’t care that I’m overweight. My nerdiness is simply that I worry that I will BECOME overweight. LOL I already am, but I can’t admit it to myself. (Until now, apparently. I’m feeling brave.) To the point that I try hiding it. I hide it by getting certain clothes that make me look a small bit less overweight. I wear sweatshirts that are bulky and don’t show my curves. I even will wear clothes that are 3 sizes larger than me, so I can feel smaller than I am. 🙂 Seriously.
Other people don’t notice that I spend so much time on my weight dilemma. They just see the lack of confidence, the way I fall in on myself, and the way I don’t look em in the eye. That’s what I mean about others knowing about my nerdiness.
(I feel like I’m spilling the great secrets of overweight people. I’m sorry if I have done that, but I’m not a big one for keeping pointless secrets.)
What a rollercoaster. I obsess. People obsess. I wasn’t always PEOPLE, but this is how I recognized it lately.
People who obsess about how much they weigh, obsess about when to weigh themselves. Like what time of day is best to weigh themselves. And even what to wear when weighing themselves. Robe, or no robe???? And, which scale is the most accurate. The Great Indoors scale, or Bed Bath and Beyond? I can go on and on. Why? Why wonder about this? Because I just went through it. I became one of “Them”. Does everyone that goes through the ups and downs of weight loss go through this? I wonder, because some of the things I do are pretty funny, thinking back over it.
For instance, the first thing in the morning, every morning, I will strip down naked and stand on my scale. I will forgo eating or drinking or wearing anything that would make the scale move up higher than needed. Micah will hear a groan or a yippee, every morning. And that is just to celebrate or berate my weight by an ounce. Not a pound. Now if I go down or up a pound, well! That will decide which kind of day I will have. Would I stay in bed and starve myself, groaning about how bad I am for gaining a pound, or would I be up and moving, starting my exercise regime because I lost a pound, and was a good girl? Yeah, it is like that.
Now it should be mentioned that the weight goes up and down for mystery reasons to me. The reasons do not matter, it was just that they are there. I do not exercise at all. Nor do I check my eating. It is just a crapshoot whether I am good or bad, basically.
And I’m ok with this, on the surface. I don’t usually go deeper than that . Except for today.
I have been told that when I am ready to let go of old insecurities, the weight will just fall off. That I hold on to heartache and insecurities by building a wall around me. I layer fat around myself so that I will fly under the radar, and people will not notice me. I think it is true.
The fat is there, not because I don’t exercise and eat correctly, but because I have some soul-searching and shrugging off to do. I think that I am terrified, if you want to know. If you want to know, I do not want any attention brought to me. I do not want men to see me. To notice me. I don’t want women to be threatened by my beauty or body.
I remember a time a few years ago when I was thin. thinner than I am now by about 60 pounds. I fit into anything I wanted to, right off the rack. I looked great whether I was sucking in or not. In fact, it never occurred to me to suck in at all. I ate small portions and never noticed whether they were small or not. I could sit criss-cross on the front seat of the car, no problem. And I could layer clothes and wear turtle-necks and sleeveless shirts without being conscious of eyes on me.
In fact, I didn’t notice people looking or not looking at me. It didn’t matter to me. I liked me. I was confidant and felt great. So it was a surprise to me when my guy friend’s wife banned him from talking to me. She said I was after him. Now nothing indicated, at all, that this was an option. But simply by being thin, I was a threat to her. I was also told that I was a pretty little thing, and I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head about…. whatever a man was talking about, when I asked for information. And lastly, I was taken advantage of by a man, mainly because I was thin. Because he thought he could. And he did.
So here I am, 60 lbs heavier, and feeling a lot safer to be out in society. Life is not tidy.
Hmmm so I guess the question of my day is…. do people gain weight because they like to eat and don’t like to exercise, or do people put on weight to hide from something?
The answer of my day is, yes. They do both, sometimes. And sometimes it is one or the other, but sometimes it is just …. because.
Man I’m craving closure on some insecurities. And some Ice Cream.