What to say when there is nothing to say? When all my words are taken and the emotion is all that there is? What to say when my heart feels that it will pump so hard it bursts with sadness? When being doubled over the sobbing is the only way to keep going that day? Nothing. Nothing is said. Nothing needs to be. It is said in the tears, and the hiccups, and the mournful eyes that tear up when eye contact is made.
And that is just the first day.
What to say on the next day, when the tears have given me a headache the size of a migraine? How to think after being thrown back into sadness as, with a jolt, I remember the heartache and disbelief that came with that day? Knowing that I am the bearer of the bad news and the bringer of the sorrow. Knowing that if I had just closed my mouth, the day would still be sunny and bright. That life could still be… life. And knowing that truth was still more important. What can I say?
If only bad news were just bad news. If only it could be taken in as a logical piece of news, leaving out the emotion and shock. But it can’t, and the day is only starting.
There is still life to live. There are kids to smile at, and drive to school. There are phone calls to make, with a chipper voice so I can get a break from the hospital bill people. There is eye contact that is made with the lady down the street that just happens to be walking by as I sit on the porch, breathing heavily, to get away from the depression that lay over everything in the sanctuary I destroyed with truth.
It happened, and it can’t be taken back. No matter how much pleading, praying, or looking to the heavens is done. It happened, and every second thought confirms it. And I can’t get away from it.
What to say, through all of this, knowing that there is a tomorrow and a tomorrow after that? Nothing. There is just doing. Doing one thing at a time, one minute at a time. And sometimes that is doing nothing. But time goes on, and the pain eventually does turn, first into numbness, and then into a lessening. And that is the time to talk. To say something, even if the something is simply talking about how It felt.
It happened 2 weeks ago, even if it seems like it happened today, and forever ago. The loss and sorrow will be there for a long time, but I am not doubled over any more.
This sharing of feelings could be for so many situations, and have been for many situations in my life. I have had loss, and betrayal, and heartache, and that is part of living. The good news is that time can heal the heartache. And so can words. So I say them now…
I’m sorry it happened. To both of us. I’m sorry that truth hurts. I’m sorry we are still hurting. I will be here for you, and I know you will be here for me. Let’s let love in, and get through this together. I love you.