by Sharon Thornton Montgomery on Tuesday, 09 March 2010.
I’ve crossed over.
I don’t know when i did it. I don’t remember the exact date or event, but here i am. A grown up. One minute i’m roller skating around my mom and dad’s unfinished family room (trying not to get splinters from the plywood when I fall) thinking, “This is the life. The feeling of freedom and flying and not doing chores. Can it get better than this?”, and the next minute i’m roller skating in a quaint warehouse-turned-80’s-disco, cajoling my daughter onto the rink as she watches me wobble around the half wall. I practically spun around from one age to the next with hardly a blink. Crap. My blinks must have gotten longer the older i got.
My whole thoughts, as i’m in this warehouse/roller rink, go like this: “I am NOT going to get knocked over by the 9 year old in lime-green hair. Again. A-HA!”…”This is so fun!”…”Well… i remember it being fun, but why don’t my legs work like they used to? And why am i so much taller than the other people on the rink?”…”Why are all the parents on the side, shaking their head at me, with pity in their eyes??!!!” I honestly thought i could just pick up where i left off a few weeks/years…./decades ago. Dur.
I look over at the DJ up in the magical booth of music and notice that he’s not quite the memory i remember, either. A cool grown up with the ultimate job, and a look on his face that says, “Envy me. I can put on any music I want and have people DANCE around me. AH AH AHH!!!”,… he is not. Oh no. This guy is a pimply 16 year old with a bored look on his face, wondering why he waited so long to look for a summer job. The look on his face that i first took as bliss at landing this fantastic job is actually incredulity that he has kept this gig under wraps from his girlfriend for so long. (She thinks he works at Boondocks.)
So I’ve crossed over. What’s the big deal? Other people have gone there before me. They seem happy and… actually….. happy-ER. It’s like they are keeping the line going steady for me, just waiting for me to take the bait and move forward. No big deal for them.
The big deal for me is being in resistance to change, i guess. I know what it feels like to be a kid, because i’ve done it already. Familiar is good, even if it is keeping me in the past. Letting go of something i know is good, for something i only hear about being better…We-eh-ehll!…That’s a risk, a gamble, and it isn’t a sure thing. Ever heard the story of the monkey and the mouldy peanuts? Look it up. End result is that the monkey is trapped by something good, and is unwilling to let go of the stuff he is holding on to, in order to get what’s better for him.
I would much rather be, by the way, in my 30 some-things and having a great time in the present, than back at the younger age and not able to progress. Now. I have a feeling things just get better the further along I go.
Alright, I’m ready to take the bait. GULP!