My mom always wanted me to write in my journal.

27 Sep

Just about spiritual things.  So here goes.  I am hanging out in my temple. My feet are dirty, I am sticky from sweat, and I am laying down on my sofa with no one around.  I have some serious joy going on.

I ran/walked today.  Who cares?  I do.  Because I noticed that it was just me out there in the 94 degree day.  I mean, of course there were others.  The bulked up guy sweating it out on the top of his mountain bike.  The older couple in spandex holding each other up coming down the hill.  The nazi mom with 3 kids keeping them well exercised and hydrated at precisely the right time. (This is Colorado, after all.)

What I’m saying, though, is that no one was with me but me. No one was with me in my black shorts that were really my sons swim trunks (not a good idea in the sweltering air) , complete with mesh-ness (a great idea).  No one shared my blotchy face and breathe counting.  Not one person felt my butt muscles work, but me.  My wheezing at the end… was my own.  I was my temple.  My place of honor, of love, of peace and comfort.  I guess mom was right after all.  She always said not to defile “My Temple”, and to take care of it. What a blessing.

it was me that decided when to push faster and when to ease up.  It was me that asked myself why I had let my thighs grow together so my shorts rode up. And, it was me that forgave myself, got a chuckle out of it, and used it as a rhythm to walk to. (fwwp, fwwp, fwwp…step to the side to bring them down,…fwwp, fwwp, fwwp, …step to the side…)  This has become a spiritual ritual that I adhere to daily.  No husband, no kids or friends go with me, and it is damned freeing.  I am partaking in the joy of doing it for me. The sky, the air, the bugs, the sounds, the flavor of the outdoor world… these are my temple grounds.  Woot.

Each time I went from voluptuous curves, to “you look great!  So thin!  How did you do it?”, it was due to a heartache of some kind.  A tragedy.   I didn’t eat or sleep as I was going through heartache, and the pounds just fell off.  No joy in it a-tall.  Currently, however, I am not in a relationship with a heartache, so I wanted to see what it was like to be healthy on my terms.  Thus the walk/run every day earlier than the rest of the family gets up.

I don’t ask or want praise from family or friends.  I don’t care that my socks match my shirt when I go.  I certainly don’t brush my teeth first. I absolutely revel in taking this space and being perfect in it, however it looks.  Even when it looks like taking two water bottles and lifting them in the air at various positions to get my arms a workout at the same time.  Or cans, as the case was today. The older couple on the hill thought that was great.  I know this because I wasn’t paying attention to them until I whacked the lady in the shoulder with one. (I now know her name is Thelma and she has 9 grandkids).

Then back to the breathing, the counting, and listening to the latest Harry Dresden audiobook as the prairie dogs chitter at me and the gnats compete with my nose hair.

The stretching at the end is the best. The climax.  Out on my lawn, still alone and dedicated to my ritual as cars and neighbors pass. I bend, lunge, reach, and flex until… Until… until I am done. I water my plants, checking on them, loving them, and staying smelly for another half hour or so Just for the joy of it.  When finally I move indoors, I look to the next step, and now comes the only decision of the morning.  Shower?  Or flop on my sofa and Facebook?  Either way, I have permagrin.

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Posted by on September 27, 2011 in Life


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