I have been on the Tilt-A-Whirl at Six Flags Amusement Park. That was a fun experience. Nowhere in Six Flags was there a ride called, “Tilt-A-Toilet”. I know because I looked. Tilting should only happen when it is expected and when it is fun. I’m just sayin. This blog, however, is not about tilting for fun. It is about tilting with a look on my face that says, “Are you freaking kidding me?” It’s a ride, just not fun. Let me go back a few days.
I was in the car with Micah after doing some errands when he decided that what really sounded good was a fountain drink with that fantastic crushed ice. And because he knew that I was in need of a pee break, but quite a snob about public restrooms, he let me know that the gas station we were stopping at had really nice, clean restrooms. Now I was just planning on holding it until we got home because I really can’t relax in a public area. Shy bladder and all that. But his recommendation, and the fact that i really really really had to pee, led me into the gas station.
This place was clean and up to date, and while Micah was getting his icy goodness, I just headed right on into the restroom to do my business. Now please understand that this isn’t a blog about me doing my business. I mean, well, it is, but it shouldn’t be. In fact, I don’t usually talk about it at all. BUT, I ended up laughing on the toilet, and that is rare. Really rare.
Ok, as I shut the door behind me, it should be repeated that I really REALLY had to go. ahem.
That being said, I noticed a few things as I was doing my business.
1. This toilet was built for someone a lot taller than I was. I am not short, but I basically ended up teetering on my tip-toes, so i am wondering, “Is this made for giants? What kind of bathroom is this when I feel like a child on a toilet?” I really needed one of those step-stools that grandma’s have for their goofy toddler just trying out the potty experience. it was that high. Seriously. And it got a grin from me. Did I mention I was wearing high heels, too? The visual was what I grinned at. If you do a visual, Please fuzz out the inappropriate parts. Or just know I was wearing a skirt and trying to keep it out of the way. Whatever.
2. As I was in the middle-ish part of my public experience, it occurs to me that I am ALSO tipping and tilting over from one side to the other. I would go as far as to call it listing from side to side. At first I think it is my heels, or that I am too short for the enormous toilet. Nay, it is actually that the TOILET IS TILTING FROM SIDE TO SIDE. Yeah, it is loose, really loose, and is really falling over. This means that my butt is the only thing keeping it upright. I kept trying to hold still, or even get off, but between being on tippy toes, and the fact that the water in the tank was listing from one side, and then compensating over to the other side, I felt like I was peeing while kneeling on a water bed. True, it’s not a fun visual, but some things should be told. And while I am at it, I am not able to stop my business because once some things start, they can’t stop, so I am on my tip-toes, in a skirt, balancing with my bum while trying to keep my clothes dry and clean. I couldn’t help it. I started laughing.
3. I had no idea if I was going to be able to reach the TP.
4. It became irrelevant when I saw that there was no TP in the holder. Surprise!!!! It stopped being funny. I was starting to get sea sick as I swayed one way, balanced another way, and craned my neck to look for other sources of TP. Luckily, I…… Just kidding. There was no Luckily anything. There was no TP. Period.
5. When I found a roll of either cleaning towels, or paper towels, they were so so so stuck to themselves that all I could do with it was rip off small bits of the paper. Yeah, I think I still have some pieces in unmentionable places. Rip, Rip, Rip, Rip, Rip, Rip….. Not my finest hour. One does what one must, in odd situations.
So I have ridden the ride, and have a bum that is raw from gas station paper towel, and I am still stuck. Because I cannot find the kickstand for the toilet. If I get off, it will fall over, and I do NOT want that water on me anywhere. I just sit there for a minute thinking, “What would Laura Ingalls Wilder do in this situation?” and then it comes to me. I am going to have to call for help!!!! Not what I want to do, at all. But …..Nope, I do not ask for help in this situation. I am to busy giggling every once in a while thinking that I am such a dork!!!
Eventually, the toilet stops swaying enough that I feel it will stand on it’s own. I can tell because i have had to use my butt muscles and my thigh muscles to balance it out. I wonder if I should write a comment card letting the next user know which muscles are best to balance it out, but I opt to just get the heck out of there. I stand up, and flush, knowing that it could spray everywhere. It doesn’t. I now feel lucky. Or cocky, because then as I turn on the water to wash my hands, the water goes from full blast, to a trickle, then nothing. APPARENTLY, the toilet water and hand water is the same stuff, and cannot be used at the same time.
I feel grimy right now and just want to wash my hands. So I wait to see if the water will come back. It does, but only after the toilet has finished running. trickle, trickle, and then water again. Soap does work, but after rinsing off, the only option is the nasty towels that will rip, rip, rip, rip, rip…. in a million tiny pieces. no thanks.
I take one last look at the place that has been one crazy ride, and open the door with my wet hands.
Micah asks, “What took so long? Did ya fall in?” and I give him a look that says, “yeah, kind of.” I snort, and ask if we can just go home. I did sip at his Mountain Dew on ice. It’s as close to a drink as I am getting for now.