Nobody likes loose ends. Or any ends at all, really. It’s why we have sequels, and prequels, as well as class reunions and Private Investigators, and haircuts. We can’t have ends just…..hanging out there, can we? Well, not and be satisfied, at any rate. Take me, for instance. I’m on a current journey about tidying up loose ends. Taking a trip down memory lane to dig deep into old memories and jolt some meaning, some …AHAA! That’s why that happened….. so i can tuck it back into the recesses of my memory. And take comfort in the fact that there are no holes in that particular part of my life. Hmmmm…. I don’t know of many people that like holes either. Potholes, black holes, even old comfy quilts that have worn holes in them. They all need to be patched up, fixed up and explained. Again with the tidiness…. Why is this? I think it is because we don’t want to do maintenance. We are, as a human race, selectively lazy. Yup, i said it out loud. We will work and work and work very hard…… so we can relax. Let things build up, like laundry, dishes, unresolved pasts…..etc… and then have a desire in one weekend to tidy things up so we can put off the upkeep for a little bit longer. Usually it involves a pep talk (ok you can do this. you want a clean….insert untidy part….., so buck up happy camper!), a bribe (as soon as this is DONE, we can……insert motivation, usually including chocolate or spending money), and a trip to the chinese food restaurant for hot and sour soup. Bad-a-boom, Bad-a-bing. There is a start, and an end. Tidy, right?
The question i am now wondering is, at what point is the cost of the tidyness worth the trip it takes to get to that point? How many bad memories need to be relived in order to find out what happened in one particular spot in time? Or, how many people does it take to track down the answer to the burning question you have always wanted to know? At what time does the burning curiosity just not get to be satiated, at the expense of time, money, and/or heartache?
I’m going to say it depends on the burning curiosity. I, for one, was willing to track down a music teacher, hound his son, badger half of my hometown, and travel back and forth from state to state, in between snow storms, just to find the answer to these questions, “Where the heck did he go when he retired? How is it that he just disappeared? Is he dead? Does he still look like Indiana Jones?” You know, the regular burning questions that we all have. And i have no idea if it is worth it to anyone but me, and the faithful tuba player that sent his solo to me. Thanks, sir. It has been worth it to me so far, i guess, but i wonder if i will really get to the real question, “Do i matter to this person still?” That’s the whole point of going down memory lane, right? The class reunions, the private investigators and the healing of self or others. It’s about, “Do i matter?” I’m thinking that i’ll find my answers when i’m ready to accept that question. I’m 35, for the love of chicken. It’s about time.
They say that when people write a story, it often gives more insight into the author than it does into the plot. You caught me. This is, in fact, about me. Again. I’m finding this in-SATIABLE desire to wrap things up. This is the first time, however, that i’ve wondered if i wrap the things up i need/want to, then what????? Well, hubby would probably say i’d move onto wrapping his things up. or the kids things. Basically get nosy and butt in more. Or, i’d just wander around the house, tweaking things juuuussttt a bit, here and there. just to give myself the satisfaction of still fixing something a bit.
Maybe, as i talk to people, heal, clean up, and move forward, maybe it won’t be about the tidying up anymore. Maybe it will just be a new beginning, which is much more desirable than an ending. What if the journey ends up being not a clean up of loose ends, but a start of a new journey in a different space, a whole, clean space? Welll-elll-elll! Then it might just be a jumping off point to see if i am about maintenance. I, in point of fact, do matter. To me. And that is what is needed for the filling in of holes, the mending of loose ends, and the moving forward.