When i think of birds i think of either inside birds or outside birds. Inside birds would be thanksgiving turkeys, chicken tenders, etc… things i eat. things already dead, to be clear. AND birds that have already been processed, to be precise. Then, there are the outside birds. The nice Look-honey-the-geese-are-flying-south type that fly overhead, or the ones that dodge the grill of HOSS the suburban by 3 inches on the freeway. Whether in a zoo, at a park, at the beach, or in my trees of my front yard they all come to this for me: They do not belong in my house because they are OUTSIDE birds.
A. They have not been decontaminated, de-pooped, or de-scented.
B. They most likely have cooties.
C. They have wings and feathers that make that flp flp flp noise that is ….creepy.
D. …… I have more, you get the picture. Basically, they are rodents to me, or food. Depending on the packaging.
Now, why am i obsessing about this? Whe-eee-eeeelll i’ll just let you know i have a cat who is a freak and LOVES to bring the outdoors inside. Birds, to be precise. This afternoon was the most recent, and was the least traumatic, but you should know this 1 thing about me. IT STILL FREAKS ME OUT!!!! Now, i’m not talking about ew, icky. I’m not even talking about whack it with a stick to get it out of the house freaked out. I’m saying that i can deal with my 4 kids diapers and barf, growing up. It’s not pleasant, but i deal. I dealt with the birth, didn’t i???? I deal with a lot of unpleasant things. But the bird in the living room thing. it looks something like this:
1. flp flp flp…. bang bang, and sometimes a ka-blam.
2. i open the door of my bedroom, creep downstairs with a ….bag, shoe, star wars light saber, or hair dryer hooked to an extension cord, in an effort to fluff it to death. whatever is handy and makes sense at the time.
3. i see feathers, the bird flapping, or will see the cat with that really proud look on its face that says, “oh you gotta see this one! it’s flappin around like it’s going to make it outta here!”
4. i scream uncontrollably, dropping whatever i had in my hands, and run upstairs to wake micah up. why yes, it usually is in the middle of the night. All i can think of to say is, “blah blah! get it get it…..bird bird bird….i did the barf of all the kids, you get the bird……ew ew ew ew ew!!!!!!” again, making total complete sense at the time.
5. I then jump on my bed, under the covers, and push micah off the bed.
He works his magic, the bird is gone, and life goes on.
Was I always like this? Nope. The first time i couldn’t figure out what that noise was. We have a doggie door that the cat uses. And thankfully so, because i refuse to be any pet’s servant. So hearing the flap open and shut is a normal part of life. This particular night, though, i went downstairs to see if my top ramen had finished boiling. Side note: I only like Picante Beef flavor, which i feel is a very grown up flavor. Not kid like at ALL…. Anyway, I walk down my stairs and notice that there are feathers around the floor. Odd, that. So i get a broom to sweep them up. Sweep. Sweep. Then i notice they are in the living room too……hmmmm follow the trail, wondering what’s going on? nothing in there. nothing in the kitchen. I look downstairs where there are feathers in the computer room. At this time i hear noises coming from the kitchen and notice that the cat is on the half wall! This is a huge breach of etiquette at my house and i get ready to swipe her down when i see her go to the top of the fridge! Again, how dare she!!!! grrrr. DANG cat…. And that’s when i notice her looking down at the stove. At my top ramen. Now a part of me wonders, “Why is she stalking my Top Ramen? She doesn’t even like Top Ramen, does she?……” And it takes me a good 2 seconds to walk up the stairs and realize that boiling along with my top ramen is her flapping prey. Yeah, i did get to smell it, see it, and yark a little in my mouth.
The rest was a blur of the squealing/screaming and running for the husband. We have an understanding. I will now happily feed the dog/cat, deal with teenage drama, do errands/appointments for kids. His clear role is to rescue me from rodents who drop out of the sky into my Top Ramen. I think it’s fair.