So here is another New Years Post. I’m not reading the ones that are out there because they seem very … fluffy. Fluff has a place. I write a lot of Fluff. Just not today. Today is a day that is me letting out a breath that I’ve held on to for the entire year. Lots of chaos happened this year. Lots of hard times, and “Holy Crap! How Did That Happen???”-ness. We struggled with medical bills this year. We always stayed on top, but we juggled A LOT. Why medical bills? Well, I was told that I have Bipolar, as I have said. I got to deal with medication. And a ton of Dr. Appointments. Thus the bills for medication and appointments. BLECH. But, I also learned that I wasn’t broken. I have huge up’s and down’s, still, but I’m not broken. ( I sure feel like it sometimes.) My husband got to recognize and aid me in the triggers that cause the up’s and down’s, and my grey-ness that happens in between. That’s a lot of chaos for him too. Our neighborhood struggled with the kidnapping and death of a child, and it took its toll. And then there was the regular chaos that happens because that’s life.
What’s the point?
The point is that I was holding my breath, kind of, throughout the year, waiting for another thing to happen. I was waiting for more and more things to pile up, and I became a bit numb through the year. So I’m asking myself, “Do I have another year like this to look forward to? What else can possibly happen?”
As I write, I realize that, yes, more can happen. More can happen because LIFE happens. This is life. This is what happens when I’m not on vacation, or asleep, or watching TV. It’s what happens in between appointments, and phone calls, and things to look forward to. Sometimes life has terrible things go on. Things that just don’t seem to have a silver lining. And yet, bad things happen to good people. And bad people, for that matter. But as long as I am looking to dodge the bad things, I am looking to dodge life. And I simply can’t do it. In fact, I don’t, when I think about it, want to dodge life. Because life is full of the good stuff, too.
This year was full of good things. The good things came, sometimes, from the lessons learned when bad stuff happened. For instance, all the Dr. bills. A TON OF THEM!!!!!! The good news is that somehow, we paid them every month. And that took us learning, or exercising self-discipline with our money. Something we really didn’t need or want to do before. We are breaking the habit of spending it all because we can. We now know how to budget and save. It’s only taken us 21 years, But I don’t know that we would have learned this lesson any other way. So it’s good news.
Another thing is, believe it or not, with the lessons that have come from me living with Bipolar. I am learning to rely on other people’s ideas and advice. If you know me, you will know that I happen to have a hard time with anyone else but me being right. Again, I don’t know that I could learn this kind of humility any other way. So I am thankful for this good news.
Lastly, I am noticing that bad things that happen, things that make me not want to even go outside my front door anymore… those things don’t last. The horrible things that I think will never go away…. they do diminish, a bit, with time. With a community, or a family, pulling together, trust can be built again. The real pain of crying and crying as I’m sick over worrying about that little girl and her family, and the heartache of knowing she won’t be with them anymore…… it’s painful.
And, eventually, my body served me by stopping the tears. Letting me breathe and move and live life in all the minute details that it takes to run a household. I guess what I’m saying is that even with the pain, life let me move forward. Painfully, sometimes, but move forward, nonetheless. I still grieve for a family and their loss. I still grieve for my change in life, for heaven’s sake, but life is letting me move forward. And that is the good news that goes with this year.
There are fireworks tonight. They will celebrate the end of my hard year, and the end of my blessed year. Ok, and the beginning of the New Year. I guess if next year turns out to be like this year, what I hope is to recognize the blessings that come from the lessons learned. :) Happy New Year!